Finally I went to the track for a run.  Something I’m not consistent with but I’m working at, consistently running. It was sunny and hot, the worst time of the day to run, HOT. Who would be there? Jared was there. Last June the last time I ran, I watched an obsess African-American man huff and puff trudging around one lap of the track. Fast forward three months. I’m at the track and there’s that man I saw last time, Jared. HE HAS LOST 40 LBS AND IS RUNNING THREE MILES!  He looked like a different man! I stopped him to talk.  I told him I remembered him and he looked awesome. Jared said “I come to the track almost everyday”.  In the beginning his knees, lower back and entire body were in constant pain, he said.  Well the grin on his face when I said how great he looked and his hard work is paying off was brighter than the sun after an all nighter in a club when you walk out at dawn. Then, he hit on me. HA! Good for him, he has his swagger back.  Way to go Jared!

Swagger it’s defined as a person’s style,  the way they walk, talk or dress. I define it as ego in motion. You know that feeling you have when you feel on top of your game? You look good, your confident and your able to fit into your favorite pair of jeans. You walk around like a peacock and exude that desirable je ne sais quoi, that’s French, code for sexy for all intents and purposes here.

Well I’ve lost mine. It’s been missing for a long time, so long I’m ready to post a picture on the side of a milk carton asking “has anyone seen this person?” I want it back! It’s time to lose those last 15 lbs. that tortures and torments my brain daily! Do you have voices in your head? I have spurts of success. Lose 7 gain 3, lose 9 gain 5, you get the jist. I’ve had a long run (there’s a pun) at my “almost ideal” weight for a whole eight months in 2010.

At home I mindlessly eat because… I’m bored, it’s so good, I’m tired, I haven’t hit bottom although my butt is close and I have a man who says I’m beautiful and means it. I don’t exercise because I don’t have a gym membership, it’s to hot to run, or walk, I’m injured, I don’t want to, and my all time favorite, kids.

My kids are my greatest excuse. We eat fast food because our car is our second home. I want to put a crock pot on the back seat to feed them dinner, I really do. I have to finish the food off their plates at home too. They don’t eat much, so I do. My father was a depression baby and nothing was ever wasted. He would save seven peas for left overs in the fridge and then eat them the next day! Left overs don’t get eaten at my home, they sit there making me feel guilty and eventually are thrown out with the veggies I buy and let rot in “that” bottom bin. Eating standing up over the counter is common. I have kids! Do I have to expand on that excuse? I hate when people, without kids, say “just don’t buy the junk”. Yeah right. I say pick your battles. I’ve done a few tours. I’m not up for the fight, I’m a casualty of war. Junk food is like drugs for any addict, it’s on every corner and they push it in the schools. We are addicted.

I want my swagger back. I have a great wardrobe three sizes, 8, 10 and 12. When I have swagger I wear the 8’s loosely. I “built” a fantastic wardrobe that I can’t wear. The high-end stuff, expensive stuff, designer. I was smart, I invested in classic pieces like black everything. I was a peacock, a black peacock. Experts say to throw away your “fat” clothes. NO WAY, I know me and I fluctuate, I wear all three sizes.

Swagger should come from wanting to be healthy. Yea right, I’m vain. I would rather look good than feel good. I’m a work in progress. Here’s the work, I have to exercise… a lot and “eat right”. I have pictures of me on my refrigerator, now my nemesis, when I was running everyday and very thin. Ironically it’s a picture of me blowing out the candles on my 41st birthday CAKE. It’s time to suit up (I have great workout clothes I don’t wear), show up and get my cardio on.

Now I ask myself am I going to continue to waste the time in my head debating, self hating and wasting precious thinking time going around this subject or get on with it and “Just Do It?” I don’t have to like it, I just have to do it and then I will like it, or at least like the way I look. I need balance. I can run first and THEN watch a marathon of the TV show “Breaking Bad” as a reward. I can lay around guilt free, with my feet up.

Some things I can’t get back in life, like my first apartment or my children’s toddler years but there is one thing I can get back, and that’s my Swagger. Every time I make an excuse, don’t want to run or want to stuff my face with cake, I will think of Jared. The next time I see him at the track, I will ask to take a picture of him and put it up on my refrigerator. Who would have thought a stranger could help me want my swagger back. Thank you Jared, you inspire me.


I am a writer, poet, humorist, screenwriter, blogger. I am not a label. Out of tragedy comes comedy. I see hysterical in the simple. This is my head. I live an extraordinary ordinary life. I am inspired, creative, passionate and fiery. I have been through and will continue. I will put it down and hope you pick it up. I am exposed, vulnerable, honest and authentic. I am sarcastic and witty. My favorite thing to do is watch life and laugh and cry and start over again. I invite you to laugh, release and lighten up with me. When life has kicked your butt, it's all about the comedy! Comedy fuels me, poetry soothes me, and dancing ignites...

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