This love is given to me everyday. Freely.I am
humbled by its pureness, its lack of motive, its
generosity and consistency. It comes in a very small
package and yet it is huge and expansive.
In spite of the way I am feeling. In spite of the fact that I had a long and laborious day that started at 5:30 am, that I am still trying to catch up from the days work before, and in spite of my grumpy, grouchy outburst and nastiness, this Love is still given.
Sometimes I try to destroy it or ignore it because I feel so guilty about my lack of ownership of it, this Unconditional Love.
I am never enough, not to receive this kind of Love or give it.
This kind of love is meant for “perfect people”.
People not like me. People who smile all the time.
People that are terminally optimistic. People who can
hold their tongues and not drop sarcasm.
Once in a while I might be that person. But at the end of the day, honestly, usually, I am not. I am a growling dog who just wants to be left alone and when not, I bark. I bark at this love.
I judge myself and feel shame. I don’t like who I am in those moments. But this is about unconditional Love, not me. This Love wasn’t taught to the giver. I don’t know if this kind of Love can be taught. I think it can be modeled, or one can be an example of it, but I believe it is present at birth and either grows in consciousness, gets stuck in sleep mode or it dies in fear. I believe it is God. We all posses it at birth, and we are it, this Unconditional Love.
Then life steps in and distracts it, the reality is that it can get buried or stripped away, lost or misplaced, ignored and feared. It can be thought to be a weakness. But it is not, it is strength. And the little and pure of heart know this naturally.
It is shown to me through the heart of a nine year old boy, my son Ravi. He never ceases to amaze me. When I walk into the room he is always so happy to see me. Even after we just had a fight that sounds like “you need to eat”, “hurry up”, “you forgot your book again?” All spoken at very loud volumes. Two breaths later he is fine and full of Love and I am the one who stays hard.
This boy of mine, at nine, still smiles when I come into the room, he still wants me to tuck him in at night and when I’m depressed and tired in bed, he rubs my back and says “It’s going to be alright mom, you have me”. It’s overwhelming.
I see this love in his eyes. They are so pure and curious. I have looked into those eyes for the last nine years and the still hold all the innocence of the first time.
So my question is this, how do I not let the world take this Love away from him? How does the pain and rejection, the disappointments and let downs that go with growing up not change who he is, this Unconditional Love?
I know the answer, it is God. Ravi knows God. They have a relationship. So, ultimately, who Ravi IS, is out of my control. I can do all the humanly things. The nurturing, the talking, the listening, the parenting but eventually it all comes down to letting go and letting God.
And through Ravi, I see God, who is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.